5th September 2013
Today was Teachers Day at college. There was a fair organized and we had a lot of fun setting up the stalls. But while putting up the decorations Shashank was constantly by my side and thankfully so, because my legs started shivering, I lost balance and fell down. I don’t know why but somewhere I feel he knows all about my pain and suffering and is not showing it to me. But how will he know? Only mom dad and Choti know about it. But you know what, the pain has increased now, so much so that even walking a little is an unbearable task. What else is kept in store for me only He knows. But for now, I have no other request from God except to give me the strength to go ahead in all this pain. Ah… Have to go now. Shashank has asked me to come home, that too fully dressed up! Funny he is, he will just ask me to do so many things which I can never make a head or tail of.”
She is coming today, and I am going to tell her all about what I feel for her. She is going to get angry for sure, but I want her to know that no matter what I will always love her and more than anything I will be there with her in all her moments.
(The door bell rings and the dialogue ensues as under)
S – “ Hi Reshma, how are you?”
R- “Haha! This formality doesn’t suit you one but Shashi! Haha!”
S – Reshma, I want to tell you something. This is something I have wanted to tell you for a long time but never got the chance. I love you”
R – “What? What are you saying? Are you fine? Go away Shashi. You don’t need me behind you holding you back for nothing. Please go away. I don’t love you, do you get it? I don’t! I am not a normal human being, I have far too many shortfalls- more than you might even know. So please go away”
S – “Who said you had shortfalls? I know everything, I do about your pain and your suffering. No one told me but I just guessed. And no, this is no pity I am showing you just because you are ill. I love you for the strength you show, the laughter you dispense despite your pain and the love you shower on everybody. I will be there with you in all your moments and this is no pity. I love you Reshma. I know what lies ahead for us and your illness will not hold me back. Instead it has made me love you more because of the strength you have shown. You are no weak girl. I know later on the emotional aggression and behavioral changes will set in. I know all of it but it will never deter me from loving you and I know that. If you want me to carry you I will, if you want to shout at me I will be there, if you want to cry I will give you my shoulder – but I will never stop loving you because I can’t.”
Reshma walked away leaving me in the depth of sorrow and pain, not because she didn’t accept my proposal but because she thought I will love her because I pity her, because she felt she was not a normal being , not fit enough to be loved and cared for. I knew she was hurt, I knew she felt she had done something wrong and she would probably never come out of the thinking that she has spoiled my life. And so, that night I packed my bags and left to the US- to continue my education in the exchange program I had been selected for.
6th November 2013
S left. To the US for the exchange program and never told me so. I did leave the previous night because I was overwhelmed by what he told me. The way he said he loved me and would stand by me always. I love him too but I would never want to tell him so because I know that it will spoil his life forever and I would never be able to forgive me for that. He knew it all along, that I had Parkinson’s but never for once showed any sympathy to me and after considerable reflection realized that I love him too. For the respect he gave me and inspite of knowing everything treated me as an equal and not as someone with an illness. I wanted to tell it to him in the college today and came to know that he left. Why Shashi? Couldn’t you wait for just one day for me to give you an answer? But I know that you didn’t want me think forever that you sympathized with me and did whatever you did. Dear diary, you have been a great source of support for me in all the bad times of my life, but I know that I wouldn’t have to write anything here any longer because I have a person who is my personal diary, who has been and will be the storehouse of all my feelings. Today I am filled with peace , the peace of knowing that I am after all a normal person who can love and be loved. What a relief! As I take the last sip of my refreshing coffee, I am closing you dear diary with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I am doing this with a heavy heart, but I know you are always here and I can count on you whenever I wish to. The first thing I am going to do is write to Shashi about everything I have ever wanted to tell him.”
(And with a smile Reshma closed her diary. That smile came from her heart and it was a smile she longed to have and which she finally did – all because of the love she thought she would never have but finally found. The love that she knew will last for an eternity, the love that was far bigger than her illness, the love that helped her finally find her peace and made her feel free)